Little Black Raincloud

I've got a little black raincloud following me around. I seem to have a case of the blues that I can't quite kick. I think Satan is working double-overtime to get the best of me and sometimes he wins.

I had a little run-in with a jerk at the gym who was cheating the system and making others wait longer than they should've had to to get on a machine. It wasn't fair and I called him out on it. Now he gives me death-looks and I never want to be leaving the gym the same time he is since it is a dark parking lot. He scares me. Of course, I now foil his little plan by intentionally signing up for the treadmill he is on so that he has to end his session after 35 minutes. I know, I'm rude but he should have to play by the rules everyone else does.

My car turned to 100,000 miles. I guess I am a snob and never thought I would drive a car long enough to get to that (judge me as you will- I deserve it). The car is 10 years old and is in awesome condition and I am so thankful to no longer have a car payment. I just wish I could afford a newer, even better car but 100k miles or not I will just be grateful that we have it.

Every day I feel guilt/frustration at not having enough time to do all the things that I need to do. Right now instead of doing soccer or swimming lessons for the kids I am focusing on taking care of myself and going to the gym. I hired a personal trainer and everything. I can't get up and go early in the morning before work because, well, I am lazy and I like my sleep too much. I have a hard enough time getting up to go to work and they pay me to be there at least! So I try to go in the evenings but I end up having to take the boys to the childcare center there two nights of the week because of Brad's work schedule and that costs me another $13/month. (I won't even tell you how much my gym membership and personal trainer has cost me...let's hope it's worth it in the end). On those nights when Brad is at work I end up picking up the boys from daycare, running home and giving the boys a snack while I change and then heading to the gym. Another drawback to these two days is that I am limited to an hour so I don't get time to do cardio and weights. But I digress. So then after the gym we go home, I make dinner, help Tyler with homework and then do whatever else we need to before bed (showers, bed time routine, etc). But I don't have many quick recipes so I feel like I never have anything to feed the boys and I don't want to feed them a bunch of junk. See? Satan wanting to squash what little self-esteem I do have and keep me from feeling better about myself.

Tyler is having a tonsilectomy and adenoidectomy on March 31st. He has had strep throat three times in the past 4 months not to mention all the times he has had it in the past year. So after this most recent case I called the ENT who did the ear tubes for both boys and asked about getting the T&A for Tyler. He said that Tyler has definately had it enough to "qualify" so we are going ahead with it. Thing is, ever since we made the appointment I have felt all nervous and upset about it (even though it was my idea in the first place!- I know, call me crazy). I know this is a very common procedure and the ENT has done it hundreds of times, it's just that I know of every possible complication because of the job I have and the thought of my little boy under anesthesia and then in pain afterwards makes me want to cry. So, is me feeling this way a sign that we should cancel or postpone it or am I just being neurotic and should go through with it because he will be better off in the long run? I mean, my internal dialogue tells me that there are mothers who have to watch their children be taken into far scarier surgery than this one and I am being a super-freak over this? Sheesh!

Maybe this little black raincloud feeling is because I am going through Olympic withdrawals. For two weeks it was routine for the boys and I to watch some of the Olympics before bed each night (and then I would stay up way past my bedtime and keep watching!). I love the winter Olympics and loved watching them with my boys. Tyler was totally into them and asked great questions about the sports, Olympians and countries. It was awesome to see him so in-tune. I also have a little crush on Apollo Anton Ohno so seeing him skate several times didn't hurt either. You know, he trains at the Oval here by my house....maybe one day I will run in to him. Tyler wants to learn to ice skate so as soon as life settles down we are going to let him take some lessons.

Trevor's birthday is in less than two weeks and it is killing me. How can my baby be 4? The time has gone too fast since he was born. I don't even know if I am done having kids but the older he gets and the more nights I have without having to wake up with a baby and the further away from diapers I get the less I am going to want more! Ahhhh, too many decisions.

There are potential life changers coming up in our lives but I cannot talk about they yet. I am waiting to see what all plays out. Hopefully some really good things will happen so that life will be a little less stressful.

Thanks for checking in on us. I know this was a long post. I am feeling a lot better physically since my appendix surgery....now I just need to feel better mentally.