My heart is broken and I am beginning to wonder if it will ever heal. I know that everyone handles grief differently. Never was that more apparent than when my Dad first died. But here we are nearly 14 years out and I have moments where I can barely function. Driving to work there was a man mowing the lawn out in front of the Little America Hotel. The smell of that freshly cut grass hit me and the tears came immediately. I spent so many years working with my Dad at the retirement center mowing lawns so that smell is synonymous with my Dad. I have this ache deep within my soul, a desire to hug my Dad, to smell his smell and see his sparkly green eyes, and this ache is so great that sometimes it is as physically real as if someone had punched me in the gut. I would give anything in my life to be able to turn back the hands of time to that weekend before the accident. I would do anything to re-live those happy days with him again. This time I would make sure I told him how much I loved him. I would hug him again and again. I would have him tell me all the stories about his childhood and his church mission that I do not know. I would have him moonwalk across the kitchen floor or scare the heck out of us while we were "camping out" on the trampoline. I would repeat all the things we did and do all the things we never got to do.
I've never told anyone this: I hate thunder. I didn't used to. But now when I hear thunder all I can think of is the earth being rumbled and jolted and my Dad's body being in the earth. I know it is crazy. I think I am going a little crazy. Actually, I think I need some help but I have tried many counselors and none have helped so I've given up on therapy.
I'm plagued by this awful fear that our forever family is in jeopardy. I'm afraid that my Mom will decide that she loves her new husband more than she loved my Dad and that she will choose him over our family in the hereafter. I know it sounds ridiculous but I am sure it could/has happened. I am so scared that will happen and then what? What happens to this forever family that was created when they were married in the temple? I have to choose which parent I will be a family with? I know that I am a family with Brad and the boys but I want to be with my parents, brothers & sisters and their families too. The thought of my Mom choosing to be with Garry sickens me because I want her to still love my Dad as much as I do. I want her to miss him. I want her to remember him. She doesn't seem to.
Could this be a sign of burnout? Maybe I am dealing with too much death through work. Or, maybe losing my Grandpa Bankhead last year and Grandpa Thacker this year has just been too much for my feeble mind. Or, maybe I never came to terms with my Dad's death like I thought I had. I don't know but I sure don't think the pain will ever get better than this.
5 comments:
Recently, I have used vinegar to do as much as my cleaning as possible. There is just something to that smell. It finally dawned on me the other day....It reminds me of dying Easter Eggs with my dad. One of those few precious memories. A simple spray of the vinegar and I'm transported back to sitting at the kitchen table doing eggs. Strange right?? I love it. My family thinks I'm nutso for using so much vinegar, but I can't help it. I get exactly what you're saying. Much love!!
Jamie I am so sad for you. I remember that weekend too, not in the same heart broken way though. I don't know if you ever get over missing him...I don't think you are supposed to. The one thing I do know is that your mom is sealed to him and not Garry so her chose is going to be a lot easier then you think. I hope that you can find joy in knowing that he is your cheerleader right now and is holding you in his arms even if you can't feel it. Your dad loves you so much and wants you to be happy. Maybe you need a vacation, you can come here(warning it is rainy so it might be more depressing)! {{{{Hugs}}}}
Jamie, we need to talk girl! Call me. 7178733379. :)
I still have a hard time with My Grandma being gone, and it's been 12 years. I do so many things the way she used to. I hear myself saying things, and I sound JUST like her!
And I eat Big Macs as a comfort food because it reminds me of one on one time with her
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